Homosexual (But It's A Crack Ship)
by SpongeGuy
Summary: "Shall I compare thee to a bacon sandwich?" (A Crack fic for a friend). Part of "The Milo Murphy's Law Wiki Guy AU".


He wowed you with "Fun Day"...

He thrilled you with "Diameter: Part 2"...

He got your hearts soaring with "Homosexual" (Story 1)...

Now...

Prepare...

FOR A CHEESY, PURPESFULLY BAD ROMANTIC SCHLOCK!

Featuring: The greatest ship of all time!

* * *

The crescent moon shone brightly, like a gigantic mosquito lamp in space, which was round, as a rugged, primal nut monster named Lardee Boy Pistachion walked in the vacant streets, licking his wounds and howling in the night ('cause howling in the day was not nearly as fun). He had just lost to humans! He thought. "To Humans?!" And pretty pathetic looking ones, in his opinion (though the snacky one had an aura about him. Quite pleasant, for a human).

He wanted to forget his shame, to hide forever in his Lardee Boy costume, but alas! He was to patrol the streets, looking for enemies, or escaped prisoners.

As he paced, the gut wrenching feeling of failure enraged and engulfed him, and he started scratching at a wall. It was really hot.

SUDDENLY... He saw him. Standing before him, in all his attractive might, was a dinosaur statue made of Ham and Bacon. On his majestic self was a metal plaque, simply inscribed "Hamosaur 3".

The Lardee Boy Pistachion was awe-struck! What a heavenly creature! Had he taken a wrong turn, and joined us from tourist trap heaven? He slowly, shyly extended a nervous branch to touch the statue, only for the pork product based artwork to cower in fright!

The Lardee Boy Postachion was amazed! How could the statue be alive? It must have been the magic that's in all of us. Or... Anything else, really.

He roared a shy hello, and preceded to ask the odd question: How are you alive? Hamosaur 3 answered shyly too: He was also taken aback by the living pistachio with the soft fur, hard shell and unquestionably sensational fashion sense.

It turned out that Hamosaur had turned sentient when he was soaked sentient Red Bull: The best kind of sentience. Hamosaur was so scared, he was running away until he encountered Lardee Boy Pistachion. Hamosaur then asked Lardee Boy Pistachion what he was doing, how he came to be. Lardee Boy Pistachion explained about the pistachio invasion.

That was a good idea, sine Hamosaur loved a man in uniform.

Hamosaur then asked if there was any place he could hide in, since he was afraid that he would scare others. Lardee Boy Pistachion told him he shouldn't worry, someone so majestic couldn't scare anyone. Hamosaur 3 blushed like a 2006 Pixar protagonist and told Lardee Boy Pistachion that he too was impressive for all to see.

Suddenly, cliché rain began to fall.

"Doug, why are you throwing cliché rain?"

"Ted, surely by now you know that cliché rain chooses to be thrown", said Doug, as he showered the place with corniness.

The rain was lovely. It was a sight to see, so they saw it. It also made Hamosaur and Lardee Boy Pistachion huddle up.

Hamosaur 3, taking in the beauty of the rain, decided to dance, its graceful meat shining in the hallmark water. Lardee Boy Pistachion was enchanted by this. He had never seen dancing: Pistachions were to busy destroying. This... Was a whole new experience.

Hamosaur gently extended his greasy hand out in invitation. Lardee Boy Pistachion didn't know what to say. He'd never danced before. Hamosaur took his hand (ignoring the sizzling blush in his hammy cheek) and they began.

It was a lovely sight: A pistachio beast from the army and a dinosaur statue made of pork dancing in cliché rain. Soon, they were dancing up close. Lardee Boy Pistachion edged closer, as did Hamosaur. Their lips met, a meeting of two different worlds, in order to create a new one.

* * *

5 years of dating later, Lardee Boy Pistachion and Hamosaur 3 were to be wed The two stood in lovely tuxes as the minister (who seemed very familiar) read out his vows:

"Do you, Hamosaur 3, take this pistachio as your lawful wedded husband?", asked the Minister, who had a mask on.

Hamosaur 3 roared an "I do!"

"And do you, Lardee Boy Pistachion, take this tourist trap of pig meat as your lawful wedded husband?", asked the still disguised minister.

Lardee Boy Pistachion roared an "I do" that was an utter defiance of his original purpose.

"Excellent! by the power vested in me by myself, I now declare you husband and husband!", said the minister, who revealed himself to be PhinFerbFan5. "You may now kiss the bacon!"

And they did.

"I always cry at weddings I write!", said SpongeGuy.

* * *

**Post Credits Scene:**

A 6 year old kid walked in to the kindergarten bus, looking around nervously.

All his life, he had been lonely.

Dejected.

Shunned.

All thanks to some weird family condition that made things harder.

He clung onto a backpack he didn't own and he gazed around, hoping for a friendly face.

All he received were stares, stares of fear and aversion.

Except...

Except for one...

"Hi!", said the voice, belonging to a girl the boy had never seen before.

"My name is Melissa! Melissa Chase!", she greeted with a simple smile.

"What's yours?"

The boy, who had felt uncomfortable a moment ago, now felt a little at ease.

Could it be?

His chance?

He smiled too.

"I'm Milo Murphy!"

As they shook hands, the universe knew: It would never be the same again.

* * *

**This was a joke fic made for a good friend of mine from the Milo Murphy's Law Wiki: PhonFerbFan5, who came up with this crack ship. For those of you who are disappointed by the lack of lore, don't worry! Also coming today is a flashback esque story that examines the Milo Melissa friendship from the eyes of Richard Chase: "Growth"!**

**Read and Review!**

**SpongeGuy. **


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